So I had this post in my mind for a few days. I got past the first paragraph great and then the second came and I just started to bawl like a baby. I had to stop 3 times to wipe the tears and collect myself. This in itself just proves to me that this isn't a phase this truly is what is meant for me. Or it's just the pregnancy hormones kicking in but I strongly doubt it.
Wow! What a difference a few months make. Anyone who knows me and knows me well would tell you I was going to be that girl that moved to Manhattan, living in a crummy apartment working my way up in a design firm in NY and having a blast doing it. I am a city girl. I was meant for that city and everything it had to offer and every good kick in the ass it had to hand out. I was ready to take it all. I would meet a handsome guy that was fabulously smart and ahead of the game and we would eat our Chinese on our little couch in our studio apartment and on the weekends would go out for cocktails with friends and enjoy the city like no one would ever do again. We would have a dog or two but would never really have children. That my friends, was my world and plan at the ripe age of 21 in the beginning of the summer of 2004. How 2 little months changed my life forever. I did meet a handsome guy that was fabulously smart and ahead of the game. However if you know the oilfield you know there really isn’t oil on the island of Manhattan. So I gave up that dream on one condition, that my husband, take me there at least once. As good of a guy he is he fulfilled that promise. As we went along on our journey I found myself wanting kids. So we hopped on that train a little over a year after we got married. Knowing that I wanted kids I also knew I wanted to work. I didn’t want to be that mom that stayed home and knew nothing outside of her little world of kids, laundry, dinner and household duties. I went to college for goodness sake. I didn’t waste those 4 years killing myself to walk away from it all just because of some little slobbery cuteness of goo. I was going to hold on as tight as I could to my dream of that working girl that was just as strong and smart as any man and could kick his ass if needed.
After 3 years of trying to get pregnant and one miscarriage I found myself pregnant in February this past year and was determined more than ever to make this mommy and work thing work for us. This was my mind set until about a month or so ago. I literally woke up one day and it just clicked. All I want to do is see this little guy grow up. I don’t want to miss a minute. I want to be that mom that is at school being the room mom in kindergarten in the middle of everything. I want to be the mom that sits down with my son for hours and cuts and paste because he wants to make all the ornaments on the Christmas tree this year. I want to be that mom that is the head of the booster club for the football or baseball team and organizes everything. I want to be at every game, awards ceremony, doctor’s visit, and teachers visit. I want to be that mom that all the kids know because I am always there and helping. I want this more than anything, more than high heels, board meetings, and industry lunches. I want to be so involved that I just don’t stop and am exhausted at the end of the day. Now I know it sounded like I looked down on these kinds of women before. The women that stayed home, but I didn’t. I never looked down on them. I have always understood what they did was hard work. I grew up with a mother and a step mother that never had the chance to stay at home so I always assumed that to be as strong as them I had to be this power business women. Now knowing what I know and how I feel now I feel sorry for my mother and step mother. It must have killed them to not be able to be there all the time and see my siblings and I do everything. I now have respect for both sides and appreciate and respect what each do and can’t do. I never intended this to be a post about SAHM vs. working moms. I am just amazed about how much this little guy has changed me so much already and he is not even here yet. I love my husband and I love my life and looking back now I can’t imagine it any other way. This is exactly where I was meant to be and where I belong! I am meant to be a wife and a mom! Now I know I didn’t give up my dream of where I lived or what I was going to do, it has just changed and I love it!
