Control

Control on the on-line dictionary is defined as follows

con·trol

   [kuhn-trohl] Show IPAverb, -trolled, -trol·ling, noun

–verb (used with object)

1.

to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

2.

to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one'semotions.

3.

to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallelexperiment or other standard of comparison.

4.

to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to controla forest fire.

5.

Obsolete . to check or regulate (transactions), originally bymeans of a duplicate register.

I have learned what my biggest issue is with this whole child birth experience. I will have no control. Anyone who knows me knows I am a planner. I plan everything. I specifically get in the lane I need to be in when I get on the interstate so nothing unexpected happens and I can get off when I need to. I always have a plan of attack for the weekends and how we are going to get things done. It took me a year to plan our wedding. My theory is when there is a plan everything will go perfect. I gain this plan by taking control.

Guess what with this I have no control. Not even an ounce. I don't know the day, time, how, anything. This drives me nuts. I know what you are thinking. You are having a baby you will never have full control again. I say to you, you are 100% correct. However I can always have an idea of what to do or what's going on.

I've come to this realization after last night. We had our hospital tour. Now let me give you some history. My mom is a nurse my dad has worked in a hospital as long as I can remember and I myself worked in surgery for 4 years in college. I'm talking up close and personal in surgery. Nothing ever phased me, never got grossed out, never was faint nothing. I actually enjoyed working with patients and family very much. he experience though taught me I was never meant to be a nurse. Those ladies and gentlemen put up with way more shit than I ever could. But I did enjoy the time. I saw all the machines, surgeries, and even things normal nurses would never see. THIS NEVER PHASED ME, EVER!

Let's back to last night again. We saw the labor and delivery room, postpartum room, nursery and the NICU (god let us not ever have to walk in the room.) I did fine in ever room but the labor and delivery room. It made what is about to happen SO REAL. I think the down side for me is I know what everything in there is used for. I've never had machines and hospital equipment scare me. I thank god other people were there because my need not to embarass myself was the only thing from keeping me from crying like a baby. I keep telling myself it's just the hormones but I know better deep down. As J and I walked out I told him I have had way to much reality for the week. Between the epidural talk on Tuesday and then seeing actually where the little man will come into the world was way to much for me this week. You always have this mental image of how things will go and look and then you walk into it and it just takes your breath away.

Now I know a year from now I will sit down and write how big of a pansy I was and how much of a gobber I was freaking out. I know this because I know me. But I do have to say for now I am really scared, because I have to do this on my own. I can't tag out and let J take over when it gets to be to much.

So little man will be here anywhere between 27 and 62 days!