Karma

So yesterday I helped out an old friend with a summer class she is taking. She is also pregnant right now and I do have to say she is one of the cutest pregnant people I know. She is the friend your jealous of because the only way you know she pregnant is looking at her cute little belly. She's the friend you have that will walk out of the hospital wearing her pre-pregnancy jeans with no problem. She however is the nicest little thing, and her and her husband are going to make cute babies! Anyhow, she had to interview me for her class and all the questions were on my labor, delivery and postpartum parts of pregnancy. It got me to thinking last night about how in just one year my life has truly changed. How much different everything is now with my little man, and how much my marriage has changed. I LOVE EVERYTHING THAT LITTLE BOY HAS DONE FOR ME, TO ME, AND THE PEOPLE HE HAS MADE MY HUSBAND AND I BECOME. I was unaware how much more I could love my husband when the little man came into the picture. For example the best part of my day yesterday was sitting on the couch last night watching my 2 boys on the floor playing and laughing. It almost brought tears to my eyes. There is nothing I do now that I don't think how it will effect those 2 guys. I am absolutely in LOVE with both of them. They are my world and there is nothing I wouldn't do for either one of them. Anyone who knows me really well knows that my faith has truly been tested the past 7 months. I see things on a daily basis that make me question why things happen. For example, my little guy has some sort of lung disease. We will never know what it is, he has battled with it from birth, and we are constantly monitoring and are worried about weight gain. He is doing good today but we never know what tomorrow will bring. He can't live in a bubble but when he gets what other normal kids would consider a cold or sick, he will be really sick. He will always have to monitor his breathing and be conscious of his surroundings and doings. We did everything right. So why does HE have to deal with this. He never asked to be here, he never did anything to anyone but yet HE is the one who has to suffer, and it breaks my heart that I can't take it away or deal with it myself. Then I turn around and I see people who can't afford the kids they are having, or are having kids for the wrong reasons and there babies are perfectly normal. (which I am glad they are!) But it truly makes me question the order of things. Why does good suffer and bad celebrate? I've come to the conclusion that this is why I HAVE to believe in Karma. I know it may sound wrong and mean, but until you have watched YOUR child suffer in the NICU for 9 days, and have brought your child to the ER twice in 1 day because he can't breathe, and you walk away from EVERY doctors appointment once a month with NO answers and feel like you have just been beaten up emotionally and physically, you have NO right to judge me or my feelings. I have days where I get so mad at the world, that I am so bitter to those with healthy children it makes me feel like a horrible person. I shouldn't feel this way. But then I have my friends who remind me that I have every right to be mad, sad, upset, and bitter. That I shouldn't hold these feelings in because it will eat me alive. I know this sounds like I am always this angry bitter person. But, I am not. I only have these feelings on the days I see my little boy having a rough day, or the day I see my husband so worried about him it's eating him alive. The other 29 days of the month we are a normal happy family that acts like nothing is wrong. We are a strong, happy family that just has to blow off steam every now and again as I am told all families do. We just have a different set of issues. So wow I kinda went in a circle there. I am so glad I could help an old friend out, and I am glad it made me do some thinking. It made me realize after all the shit we have been through, it has only made us a happier, stronger family. And there's nothing more important than my 2 boys, but I've always known that!