It started as a great day!

It was a bright and hot September day. I had just started college a few weeks back, and I was finally starting to feel comfortable out it the real world. I was wearing a marune, sleeveless turtleneck with a pair of jean shorts. I wanted to try out my new blouse I had bought because I was getting ready to start my new job at the hospital next week. It was the week I had off between my old job and my new one. y first class wasn't until 9:30 so I was able to sleep in a bit. I usually turned on the news when I was getting ready but today i decided to turn on the radio. It was a georgeous day in southern Louisiana but also very hot. I remember I had to stop for gas before I left the neighborhood. There was a small station in the front of the neighborhood. I drove to school and had on a CD. I didn't feel like hearing talking on the morning show I normally listened to so I put in my favorite CD. I got to the lot got on the bus and headed off to campus. I got to my classroom and sat down. As I was getting all my books out for Algebra a girl in my major who I had known for only a few weeks walked in and asked if we had heard about the plane crash. I didn't say a thing but I remember my professor saying I heard. Isn't it crazy. They talked how a plane had flown into the WTC. Class started and we went about our way. When class was over I haad to walk to the psychology building and I remember every conversation I heard on the way was about these planes crashing. I walked into my Psych class and sat in the front as usual and starting talking to my friend asking if she heard and we both only knew the basics. I will never forget what happened next. My psych professor walked in with the saddest face I had ever seen on a person. Now this was a man who was full of life for every class. He could hold our attention with his stories and teaching. Something was very wrong. I remember word for word what he said. "This is a sad day, even if the university would allow me to I couldn't teach. My heart is sad and broken." he then told us to go home and make sure we tell our loved ones how much they mean to us. This is when I heard and realized what exactly had gone on and what had happened. I walked to the bus and got on. As soon as the bus brought us to the lot. I got in my car and turned on the radio. I knew if it was as bad as everyone was saying they would be talking about it on the radio. I got in threw my backpack in the backseat and crancked the car on and blasted the AC. I will never forget the first words I heard. "People are jumping! They are just jumping out of the building!" At that very moment I couldn't breathe, at that very moment I realized this was horrible. Looking back now, at that very moment I lost my innocents that our world was safe and we were no longer protected. I had to go to the local pool shop to refill our candy machine for my dads business. I had a pager then. My parents thought I should have something since I was starting college. I got a page from my mom. I drove in tears listening to everything that was happening. I had tears of sorrow. I got the local pool place and asked the girl behind the counter if she was watching what was going on. I will always remember how hard and hateful she was. He responce was that some idiot flew a plane into a big building. I asked if I could use her phone. I called my mother and I remember her saying, she knew nothing was happening in Louisiana but when something so terrible happens all you want to do is check on your child and hear their voice. I now understand what she meant. I finished what I had to do and then went home. I turned on my tv and pulled out my math books to do my homework. After an hour I went to m grandparents house. I didn't want to be alone. I remember feeling scared by myself. Like maybe someone would jump out of a corner. As the day went on we all learned what we all know now. I watched the presidents speech that night like every other American. I will never forget how close we became as a city, state and nation in the following weeks.
Every person has their own story, and every generation has their own feeling. I believe that day was the day that my generation lost their innocents. We had been thrust into the world 14 weeks earlier and were so excited about all that we could do and become. There was NOTHING to be scared of. We were protected from all the bad things in the world and all the bad guys by huge and deep oceans. All that bad stuff happened over there not here. It was good here. I may not have been in NY, Washington, or Penns that day. I may not know a single soul that died. I also may not have ran for my life or lost a family member. But this effects me. I will never forget that day, where I was or even what I was wearing. This Sept 11 my son and I will be getting on a plane. We are going home for a visit. I had initially said I would never fly on 9/11. But then I realized if I do that then they win, and I refuse to lose. My thoughts and prayers are with the families, victims, and all American this 9/11.

Starting to look back

As fall creeps around the corner, all I can think about is what I was doing last year at this time. All I could think about was the fall. It was going to bring great things. A baby shower, a big cute belly, and of course my baby boy. It's so bittersweet to see how far we've come in the past year. It just blows my mind that his frost birthday is approaching. I feel like it was yesterday that I was complaining it was to hot to be pregnant. I've also been thinking how much my husband and I have grow up, and grown closer since he was born. Our priorities have shifted and the world is a much scarier place now. We have so many things to think about and consider for everything we do. I'm also realizing that as we get older we have the ability to grow apart from some and grow closer to others. I also have to say I have the best husband in the world. It does't get better than this. I am on cloud nine and living the good life!

We can crawl!

And boy can we move now!

I finished swimming lessons!

Daily Routine

So someone asked me the other day to post our daily routine. Here it is!

6:00-6:30 Wake and play in bed for a few minutes
6:30-7:00 Go to the kitchen Isaac plays in his walker while I get breakfast ready
7:00-7:30 Breakfast Time
7:30-8:00 More wailer time while I pick up breakfast and clean the kitchen
8:00-9:00 Floor play time and or bouncer
9:00-10:00/10:30 Bottle and Nap Time
10:00/10:30- 11:00 Get Dressed and Snack TIme
11:00-12:00 Stroller/Run Errands (Get out of the house)
12:00-12:30 Lunch Time
12:30-1:45 Play/ Gymboree/ Finish running Errands
1:45-2:30/3:00 Bottle Nap
2:30/3:00-4:30 Play Time/ Reading
4:30-5:00 Dinner
5:00-6:00 Walker Time while Mom and Dad Cook and eat dinner
6:00-6:30 Daddy and Isaac Time
6:30-7:00 Talk to Meme and Pawpaw on Skype
7:00-7:15 Bath
7:15-7:30 Bottle and Rocking
7:30 Down for the Night

Swimming

So you know how I told you my son loved the water, well we decided to take him to the pool. OMG he freaked out. He loved it. In fact so much we decided to put him in swimming lessons. We had a great weekend. Went to the pool twice, took J and I to Gymboree and finished it off with a family BBQ yesterday at J's aunts house. I love weekends like this. Oh and to top it off we found out my aunt is coming visit next month. Yeah!!

Lake Days

So my little man loves the outdoors. I can't tell you how much his mood changes if he is crabby and we go outside. HE LOVES IT! He also loves water. We should have named him Nemo. So the lake is obviously his favorite place these days. So I figured I would share a few pics from our trip to the lake yesterday when my family was in town! We had a blast!

Just to prove he's not always happy! It was time to leave:-(

Karma

So yesterday I helped out an old friend with a summer class she is taking. She is also pregnant right now and I do have to say she is one of the cutest pregnant people I know. She is the friend your jealous of because the only way you know she pregnant is looking at her cute little belly. She's the friend you have that will walk out of the hospital wearing her pre-pregnancy jeans with no problem. She however is the nicest little thing, and her and her husband are going to make cute babies! Anyhow, she had to interview me for her class and all the questions were on my labor, delivery and postpartum parts of pregnancy. It got me to thinking last night about how in just one year my life has truly changed. How much different everything is now with my little man, and how much my marriage has changed. I LOVE EVERYTHING THAT LITTLE BOY HAS DONE FOR ME, TO ME, AND THE PEOPLE HE HAS MADE MY HUSBAND AND I BECOME. I was unaware how much more I could love my husband when the little man came into the picture. For example the best part of my day yesterday was sitting on the couch last night watching my 2 boys on the floor playing and laughing. It almost brought tears to my eyes. There is nothing I do now that I don't think how it will effect those 2 guys. I am absolutely in LOVE with both of them. They are my world and there is nothing I wouldn't do for either one of them. Anyone who knows me really well knows that my faith has truly been tested the past 7 months. I see things on a daily basis that make me question why things happen. For example, my little guy has some sort of lung disease. We will never know what it is, he has battled with it from birth, and we are constantly monitoring and are worried about weight gain. He is doing good today but we never know what tomorrow will bring. He can't live in a bubble but when he gets what other normal kids would consider a cold or sick, he will be really sick. He will always have to monitor his breathing and be conscious of his surroundings and doings. We did everything right. So why does HE have to deal with this. He never asked to be here, he never did anything to anyone but yet HE is the one who has to suffer, and it breaks my heart that I can't take it away or deal with it myself. Then I turn around and I see people who can't afford the kids they are having, or are having kids for the wrong reasons and there babies are perfectly normal. (which I am glad they are!) But it truly makes me question the order of things. Why does good suffer and bad celebrate? I've come to the conclusion that this is why I HAVE to believe in Karma. I know it may sound wrong and mean, but until you have watched YOUR child suffer in the NICU for 9 days, and have brought your child to the ER twice in 1 day because he can't breathe, and you walk away from EVERY doctors appointment once a month with NO answers and feel like you have just been beaten up emotionally and physically, you have NO right to judge me or my feelings. I have days where I get so mad at the world, that I am so bitter to those with healthy children it makes me feel like a horrible person. I shouldn't feel this way. But then I have my friends who remind me that I have every right to be mad, sad, upset, and bitter. That I shouldn't hold these feelings in because it will eat me alive. I know this sounds like I am always this angry bitter person. But, I am not. I only have these feelings on the days I see my little boy having a rough day, or the day I see my husband so worried about him it's eating him alive. The other 29 days of the month we are a normal happy family that acts like nothing is wrong. We are a strong, happy family that just has to blow off steam every now and again as I am told all families do. We just have a different set of issues. So wow I kinda went in a circle there. I am so glad I could help an old friend out, and I am glad it made me do some thinking. It made me realize after all the shit we have been through, it has only made us a happier, stronger family. And there's nothing more important than my 2 boys, but I've always known that!

I's First Lake Day!

Hello out there!

Again I know its been awhile! You have to cut me some slack I have a very active 7 month old! And just because I feel bad for lack of post, I put up a few extra pics! (I would have anyway.) So the reason it takes forever for me to bog is because currently my office is on the second floor and the only time I'm up here is to put Isaac down for naps and to go to bed myself. Well as of today that's all about to change. My contractor should be showing up any minute to start the remodeling on our formal dinning to turn it into our new office. We are putting in french doors and hardwood floor. We decided we needed the extra bedroom upstairs and the office on the first floor would be more useful! I am very excited!
Isaac is getting stronger, faster, and better by the day. We still don't know what kind of lung ideas he has and probably will never know but he is getting stronger and that's all that matters. I can't even put into words how much I love that kid.
I do have to say with all of this good news my heart is a little sad today. I have to say I am really losing my faith. Faith in why things happen as they do. I can't go into details, but some things are truly unfair. My heart hurts for one of my dearest friends, while I just can't pull myself together to be happy for another. Life is unfair. I don't understand why good suffers and bad gets what they truly don't deserve. Enough of that I know you want pictures!

7 months

6 Months

6 Months

5 Months

A change of pace!

So as a mental stress release from all the medical issues we face with my son. J offered up the idea of finally starting my photography business I have been trying to do for almost 2 years now. I am so excited to announce that on April 1st I open Brandy Burke Photography! I love that I can work when I want and as much as I want to. It's a great escape from all the stress. I have always been the kind of person that needs a creative outlet when things get stressful. And I can tell you by the massive amounts of hair my husband and I are finding all over the bathroom that I am stressed! So here's to an exciting week!

Brandy Burke Photography

Nov 4th The rest of the story!

So I had finally started pushing. The doctor left me with my husband and the nurse. All I could feel was pressure. Pushing at the beginning felt great. I was more at ease pushing than relaxing. I was VERY slowly making progress. At 9 the nurse and my husband joked that we could have a baby by 9:30. YES!! Is all I thought. The longer I pushed the more frustrated I got I felt like nothing was happening. Gradually I started to feel alot of pressure. Like OK this pressure is getting painful. I expressed this to my nurse. J looked at my epi pump and to him it looked as if it was empty. The nurse said that it would beep before it ran out. The pressure quickly turned to PAIN. My epi failed and I could feel everything. The nurse left J and I in the room by ourselves and told us to not push. Looking back now I say WTF was she thinking? I had a good 10 very painful contractions that were off the chart and I told my husband to push the nurses button, I needed help. The next 60 seconds went as follows.

Me: Push the G D Button I am in pain

J Pushes button

Nurse at Desk: Yes?

J: She's kinda having a baby in here

Within 15 seconds my nurse, doctor and another nurse come running through the door. My doctor who I will now refer to as asshat says

Asshat: What's the matter?

J: She's kinda having a baby and I thought someone with a medical degree should be here.

Asshat looks at me and says I will be back.

My nurse stays with me and helps to push. By this time I am in horrible pain and an anesthesiologist comes in. He ups my epi but by this time my pain is to far gone to get back under control. by now it's 10:15 and I have been pushing an hour and a half. I AM EXHAUSTED! I am passing out between each contraction and I have no energy to push. The nurse calls for my doctor and we wait and wait. We waited an HOUR pushing and passing out before she comes in. I later find out she was in a C-section and tells my nurse to wait for her. She comes in and tells me I have 3 contractions to get him out or c-section. At this point I am so tired and hurting I don't care how he gets out .he doctor gets the vacuum ready to help him out. He is stuck under my pelvic bone .he next contraction comes and I PUSH. I have a second wind for some reason and I push like no one has ever pushed. THE VACUUM ISN'T WORKING. I scream at the nurse and doctor as they are figuring out that the damn thing isn''t plugged in correctly. I very loudly scream, "Are you fucking kidding me?" 2 pushes later they get it together and he pops out. They lay him on my chest and he is screaming. I help wipe him off and they whisk him away. My husband walks over and takes pictures and I just lay there with no energy left. A few minutes later they bring him back over for me to hold him and explain that they have to take him to the NICU for help. He is needing help to breathe. J goes with him and I quickly wake up! My asshat doctor and my wonderful nurse are about to do many not nice things to my lady bits. Now something they don't tell you is they have to "massage" your uterus after birth to get it to stop bleeding and for it to return to it's normal size. The word "massage" is bullshit. It hurts and it is almost as bad as an epi free delivery. What I found out later because at this time I was so tired and in so much pain and my baby was taken from me I couldn't concentrate for anything was that I wasn't doing well right after and I had to have a D & C, and repair work. Now normally if you have this they will give you major drugs for the pain because technically it is surgery. I HAD NONE! 0! I felt every scrap, stitch, pull and poke. And to make matters worse the asshat doctor messed up my repair work and had to pull all my stitches ans start AGAIN. It took and hour for me to be finished and after that hour I HAD TO GET OUT OF BED! I  had to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up and try to urinate. Of curse I hurt so bad it didn't happen. Now we are 2 hours post delivery and I am in bed eating because I am so hungry. Once I m done I am able to visit Isaac in the NICU. J and the nurse roll me to my baby. I don't know it now but this is the only time I will get to hold him for 3 days. I hold my precious baby for 5 minutes and then I tearfully apologize because I am to weak and tired to hold him and am terrified of dropping him that I make J take him from me. I go back to m room and pass out for 4 hours before the real torture of find out what was wrong with my son.

Birth Story Nov 4 Part 2

So here is a warning and don't say I didn't warn you. The rest of the story will not be sugar coated. Part 1 was the nice and fuzzes of our story the rest is hard, graphic and I will not keep anything back. I do this because the second I am going to think about getting pregnant again I am going to come and read this and when I don't whence and cry by reading it I will know I am ready.


So after I ate all of the box dinner they gave me J and I did lap after lap around the labor and delivery wing to either get my contractions going or to make me dilate more. The Dr had asked what time my water had broke and J asked how long we could go before he had to come out. We were told 24 hours was the limit. At this point I was almost 2 cm before all the walking. When were so up beat and excited. We knew by this time tomorrow we would be holding our little man in our arms. We walked and talked and laughed. We day dreamed about what he would look like and what he would grow up to be. We were thinking we were at the finish line. This was the final stretch. We were planing our trip home on Saturday as a family of 3.
1:30 AM came and we went back to our room. I crawled back in the bed and we waited for the nurse to come in. At this point I knew they were going to start talking drugs to get this thing started because nothing was happening. The nurse came in at 2 and said the doctor was delivering twins and they didn't forget about us that she would be in as soon as she was done.
4 AM the nurse came in and talked to me about this little pill they were going to give me to start thinning out my cervix. Now when I talked to the doctor at midnight and she started talking about Pitocin I told her how terrified I was of it. I had heard horror stories about Pitocin. I was trying to avoid it at all cost. The nurse gave me the pill and said I had to be monitored for 2 hours because it had a side effect of messing with you heart and the babies heart and I could have another in 4 hours if nothing happened. Well 4 hours came and went and nothing.
8:30 AM I realized Pitocin was going to happen soon so I called to get room service as J and I sit and play cards to pass the time. I was on a liquid diet so I got apple juice and jello. This is all I will eat until Nov 5. My new nurse comes in and tells me we will have to start  Pitocin. I ask if I can have my epidural before they start the Pitocin and she agrees. I also ask if I can walk for 30 minutes to see if I can get anything going again before I get my epi knowing once it is in I am bed ridden until he is born. So we walk.
10 AM The aneseoligist comes in the give me my epi. Nothing at this point had scared me as much as this. He explain everything to me and get everything ready. Just seeing all he was going to use scared the crap out of me. The nurse talks to me as he starts and my husband stands by my nurse to watch everything. The part that hurt the worst was the numbing shot. However the scariest part was the needle for the catheter. As he inserted the needle I jumped twice which made my husband jump and then he fussed at me for jumping. The Dr got the catheter in and they put my legs in bed and my nurse puts a catheter in my bladder and hooks me up to all the monitors/
10:30 Pitocin gets started and jump starts my contractions. I thank god I can't feel anything at this point because the Pitocin did it's job. My contractions were getting into a pattern quickly but my cervix was taking it's sweet time dilating.
2 PM I get checked and I am at 5 cm. Things are finally starting to get a move on. The nurse keeps uping my Pitocin every 1/2 and we are making steadying progress. We can see on the monitors that my contractions are starting to get off the chart. I am really thanking god for the epidural at this point knowing if I didn't have it life would suck BIG TIME! Dr comes in and says she is off at 5 and the new Dr will take over if we still don't have a baby by then but she still thinks it's possible.
4 PM New nurse comes in and takes my vitals. I am now running a slight fever at 99.2. I question if we should be worried and if this is OK. Nurse tells me this is normal during labor sometimes if you have been in labor for awhile. Which I have.I talk to my parents on the web cam and talk to the in-laws while they visit and distract us. I don't know this but at this time the nurse backs off my Pitocin which now stall out my labor at 8 cm.
Pitocin with out talking to the Dr and stalled out my labor. The new nurse suggest Tylenol to help the fever. (I am pissed at this point that the other nurse not only stalled my labor but didn't think to give me Tylenol to help the baby or me.) At this time antibiotics are ordered for me to start in my IV so they can get something in me and hopefully the baby before he is born.
8:45 PM Dr comes in and I am 9 cm but she believes I can start pushing if the nurse holds the little lip of cervix out of the way. So we start what we thought was going to be the homestretch of a long 24 hours. We still had no clue what was coming for us.