8 Days past Ovulation

So I am back from my world wind of a mini vacation to Houston. FUN FUN! I got to eat crawfish and visit with my favorite Aunt and Uncle! I am going to a wedding in May and I found the perfect dress. I figure I will wear close toe black pump if it is a night affair and black open toe heels if it’s an afternoon thing! I just absolutely love it. It came from my favorite store, White House Black Market.

On the baby front I am waiting. I wouldn’t say patiently waiting. Although getting away this past weekend did wonders for my stress and anxiety level on the fertility front. I’m just so tired of this baby making journey. We have been on it for 2 years. Who would have known it was going to be this hard for me to get knocked up. I had no clue. What just kills me though is, it is me. It’s not my husband’s fault but yet he has to deal with this entire BS too. Anyway, no symptoms yet. With my miscarriage I had sore boobs at 12 days past ovulation, and that was really it. Oh and I also almost hurled the night before I got my positive home pregnancy test at 12 days past ovulation because I saw a hot dog on TV. Honestly, I don’t think it happened. It’s just my instincts. They have never led me wrong before. I have to stop now. My husband would fuss at me for being so negative. He says I am a downer. Just so hard to stay positive after all we’ve been trough.

On another note, we are most likely moving in July. But more on that later!

Clomid Update!

So the past couple of days I have just been waiting. Waiting for my husband to get home, waiting for my trip to Houston to visit my favorite Aunt, and most of all waiting to ovulate. Well I am glad to say all have happened with the exception of one. The one I am still waiting on? My trip! Which means yes….I OVULATED!  In case you don’t know, when I miscarried it royally messed my reproductive system up! SO this is a huge deal! And did I feel it! Last month it was a little twinge. Holy crud this month I felt like my ovaries were going to pop out of my sides. I have never in my life felt pain like that. It took everything in me to get through dinner on Sunday night and not scream I AM GOING TO DIE! But there are great positives to this. I got my positive on my OPK on Sunday in less than a minute. Usually it takes about 5 minutes. So now I get to wait again. We get to go into what is known as the 2 Week wait. It’s more like the 2 week torture! But at least I have a trip to keep my mind off of it. I do have to say as soon as my husband and I got into the car last night to go home I let out the hugest yelp in pain. His response “Must mean its working!” I just looked at him and smiled. He knows just what to say to make me feel better.

On another note we started talking about names again. We have a boy’s name nailed down. We have had that one solid since before I was pregnant. The girl’s is what we are still working on. He just loves names of flowers. I am trying to compromise with it. We’ll see what happens.

One last note, which I have decided, when and if we ever end up pregnant again. This is the only place where I plan on saying anything. My wonderful husband will be telling whomever, whenever he wants. I will have no part in it! This is the deal, he gets to tell but he is the one who gets to untell if we have to. Because I just refuse to do that. I can also say if we do get pregnant and something happens again. It will be the last time. We will forever be a family of 4, us and the dogs! These are just a few things I am not even willing to talk about. It’s just how it’s going to be and my husband is on board a 100%. So here’s to hoping we have good news in a few weeks!

How Clomid Cajun got kicked out the bar! SOBER!

So I have successfully finished my second cycle of Clomid. Side effects you ask? Well I have HOT FLASHES this time like I am a 50 year old mentapausal woman. I go to sleep freezing and I kid you not 5 minutes later I am sweating. It looks like I just got out the shower. I can deal with nausea, back aches, back cramps, and a whole array of things but sweating while I am trying to sleep is not one of them. I can tell you also I have ovaries! I felt them last cycle but not until right before I ovulated now this time I can feel them a week ahead. One other great thing, my hormones are raging their little head. I about took off a few heads in the past days. A great example you ask for? Saturday night I got kicked out of a bar, the kicker I was dead sober! Yup not even intoxicated and I got kicked out. The story goes a little something like this……

My husband and I along with about 10 other people went out to this bar in downtown. We had been there for about 3 hours having a good time. Well this group (who obviously knew the manager) comes sit down behind us. Well my husband by this point had a beer and a shot but was not even close to drunk, I’ve seen drunk and that was not drunk. That was just happy. Well, he got up to go to the bathroom and (this place was packed) when he walked by this guy that was behind us he rubbed shoulders with him. Well apparently this guy got all butt hurt and went told the bouncers my husband was drunk.  Now let me paint a picture for you, crowded bar, St Patrick’s Day celebration going on, lots of green beer, lots of drunken happy people dancing all around, and very loud. Ok back to the story. Two bouncers walk up to my husband and tell him he’s been drinking too much and he has to go. My husband looks behind him and looks for whom ever these guys are talking to because it’s obviously not him. He’s a calm 2 on the drunk meter compared to the 100 people around us who were obviously 8’s or 9’s on the drunk o meter. When he realizes they are talking to him, he has this shocked look on his face. Now I do have to say my husband calmly says OK and starts to stand up. This is when Clomid Cajun comes out and goes on the attack. I may be a whole 130 lbs but I am so pissed I am thinking I can take these 2 guys who are easily 240lbs a piece. Now my husband is a pretty big guy, he could have easily taken care of himself if he would have wanted to but he was level headed. This is where I have learned Clomid makes me an angry fighter. The conversation goes like this…

Clomid Cajun: What are you kicking him out for? (Thinking maybe he did something coming back from the bathroom)

Dumb Bouncer # 1: He’s had too much and has to go?

Clomid Cajun: Oh HELL NO! (I can feel my face turn red and I am ready for a fight.)Are you kidding me? Have you seen half the people in this bar? They are way drunk than my husband?  (There is lots of finger pointing and smoke coming out of my ears going on by this point.)

Dumb Bouncer # 2: It’s nothing personal

Clomid Cajun: Bullshit! Your little butt buddy got all butt hurt when my husband slide by him and touched him. (Here is when the Cajun curse words came out, I choose not to repeat)

Dumb Bouncer #1: You’re gone to, let’s go.

So my husband and I proceed to the exit. The entire time I am telling all the people we are with that we got kicked out as we see them walking out. I was fired up the whole way home. My husband, cool as can be tells me, “What did you expect them to say, Oh well never mind you can stay.” So what have I learned? Clomid makes the angry Cajun come out of me when just nudged a little. Oh and cursing out bouncers in Cajun is never a great idea. 

Just a bad day!

So every now and again I just hit a wall. Today, is one of those days. Someone can just say something or do something or I can just read something, and I feel like I have just got run over by a train. I heard it described the best way the other day. I think also if people understood this saying, they might understand a little better. It was, "when you miscarry it is an event for everyone outside of the pregnancy. For the couple it is something they deal with and live with the rest of their life. As time goes on it gets easier but it will always be something you are dealing with." Wow I could not have said it better myself. 

So I started my 2nd cycle of Clomid today. It's so hard to stay positive the more time it takes. As it is it took us 1 year to get pregnant the first time. When I saw that positive I stupidly exhaled. I know better now. The next time, God willing, there will be no exhaling. 

So one  more grip I have. Everyone is pregnant around me, and if I hear one more time, "it only took a few tries," I swear (yes I said swear) I might just completely lose it. I know they are excited, but that, that statement crushes my spirit! I always come back to the question, what did I do wrong. I was always told to do things correct and it the right order and everything would be OK. I did that, I did it all and excelled and in the right order, so why am I being punished for succeeding? And why or others being rewarded for their stupidity? Sorry it's just a bad day, and my husbands not here to talk me down off this edge that he does on a normal basis. 

40 Days until Antigua!

Yup that’s right. Jason and I are going to Antigua in the Caribbean for our 3 year anniversary! I am beyond excited. Now I am on a mission for a new bathing suit. Also if anyone has seen my 22 year old body, I would like it back. In fact I will offer a reward! I’m so glad I have something to look forward to. Now maybe I can get my mind off of getting knocked up and fertility drugs! Hello beach here I come!
So I am officially on the oatmeal, soup, cheerio diet. It worked for my wedding we’ll see if it comes through again!

The cost of getting knocked up!

So AF is getting ready to show her ugly face tomorrow. I know this because of my temperature this morning and the feeling in my stomach at this moment. Oh and the greasy hamburger that I slammed down today without question. So in my war with AF I am getting a new weapon. Today I am buying the most expensive ovulation monitor there is. No I’m not stupid money doesn’t insure spermination. I know this. But if my calculation is right I would have saved over $500 if we would have made this purchase 2 years ago when we started this war. So AF has won 22 battles now. I however, plan on winning this war. Bring it on you cranky witch!

WARNING: WOMAN WITH HORMONES!

So I know every woman is different, and every pregnancy is different. With this said there are things that have happened to my body in the past year that I just would have never thought of. I have managed to get cyst in places I never knew were possible, I have thrown more OTC medications down my throat in hopes of getting my chemistry back to normal, and I have hormones like no one’s business! This last one is the one that has really thrown me for a loop. Growing up and even before I had my miscarriage I was a rock. I never cried at sappy movies or commercials. I could yell and scream at my husband when he deserved it and never had tears in the way. Now, I don’t know who this person is that has taken over my body. This person can break at a moment’s notice. I found myself crying at a stupid movie last night. It wasn’t even said. I thought the dog was just so sweet. What the hell! Some days I feel as if it was all a big tease. Oh here you go, and nope I’m sorry you can’t have exactly what you want. I have spent the past year questioning my faith. I keep telling myself no one or no such thing with the ability to control situations would ever but someone though the hell that we have found ourselves in this past year. I think it hurts even more now because we are going down this road again. Why are we trying this again? To be honest, I have no idea. I do know I wouldn’t have made it the first time if it weren’t for my husband! He is the rock that holds things together.

But back to my crazy hormones and such. I never knew it was possible to have such crazy hormones and not be pregnant. Believe me in the 2 weeks I knew I was pregnant I knew they were there and they were bad. I didn’t think they would carry over to non pregnant me. Oh help my husband if we do get pregnant again. I fear for him with crazy me. I have also noticed they are getting so much worse lately. I contribute this to the fertility drugs I am on now. Yup I am finally going public. I was put on clomid about a month ago. It scares me so much. I have heard so many horror stories about it. I just hope it works! At this point we are fine with twins, which is a very strong possibility if this works. There’s even a possibility of triplets. But we won’t talk about that…..

If my kids are like my husband, I am SCREWED!

So this past weekend my wonderful husband took me and one of our friends up to the mountain to go snowboarding. We had a blast! I had a rough start with wrapping myself around a tree after my bindings broke and being so frustrated I had to quite on Day 1. Believe me it was for the best. I have anger issues. I don’t fail, never had and never will. So when things aren’t going my way I get what my husband calls “frustrated.” That’s the nice explanation. I call it anger! But I digress. So we are on the mountain Sunday and I am kicking this mountains butt! Yeah I told you I don’t fail. Well my friend and husband decide to take a few more runs. They check in and tell me they are making just one more run. (Now in hindsight, this is where I should have said, if you think you have one more in you it’s time to stop, seeing this is usually when bad things happen. But he’s doing well having fun, ahh let’s let him have one last hoorah on the mountain.)  Well about 30 minutes later I see our friend come down but no Jason. My heart sank in my stomach. Our friend comes over and tells me he has good and bad news. Just tell me what’s the matter? He tells me Jason’s not going to want to come down the mountain anymore today, but they are bring him down in the toboggan. WHAT?! Apparently Jason was trying to be a daredevil and going too fast and slammed his shoulder into the mountain. So we literally had a rocket scientist check him out in their little first aid station. Told us he was OK but should get it checked out. As soon as we walked out we drove to the ER. He had no choice he was going. The whole way there he was moaning and complaining. “I don’t need to go. I’m fine. Yada Yada Ya” No you dumb man you are going. Well after 3 hours and I’m sure hundreds of dollars later, (I dread that bill!) He has a separated shoulder in a sling and is now on Percocet! Let me tell you getting him home in bed and asleep was a chore. However Jason on painkillers equals funny. If I hadn’t been so tired I might have actually laughed. The last thing before he fell asleep I heard was, “I am so happy!” My response, “Yeah I know you are you cracker now go to sleep.” Oh how we don’t lack adventure in our family. Please have mercy on me if our children take after him!