I know I know

Hello! Hello!

I know MIA for a week. It’s been a crazy 7 days. We finalized all the finishes on the house. Deep Red cherry cabinets, black granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and so many things we had to choose. But it is all done.

A few friends and I have decided to throw a cocktail party of my roof in downtown next month, so I’ve been busy designing invitations, looking into different aspects of what we want to do and other things.

So finally to what everyone wants to know………… what the doctor said. Because of my age and the fact that we did get pregnant once she wants us to keep trying for another year. The best part though, she wants me off of all meds, no more test, she doesn’t even want me to track my cycle. She just wants us to forget about it and have fun. Drink and be like rabbits were her exact words. So I am more than happy to let it all go, know that if it doesn’t happen in a year we’ll start talking about it. However the thing I had to give up was my website that I frequent often for advice, books, and internet articles. So I have to go cold turkey.

So everyone raise your glasses. Here’s to a year of liquor and fun!

I woke up to the most beautiful thing this morning!

A peak on my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor! I haven't gotten a + or a PEAK this early since before my  miscarriage! Maybe this is a good sign. I still can't believe a peak on CD 12. WOW!

3 Days until the doctor!

Yup that’s right 3 days until we meet with the doctor. I am very excited and optimistic. I keep telling myself this is going to be an easy fix. (See it’s the whole positive attitude thing.) I’m feeling really good about this. Like we might actually get something accomplished.

I had a great weekend with my aunt. We went shopping and ate too much food. J and my aunt talked me into white water rafting this weekend. I can’t believe I did it. I almost fell out. The guide had to pull me back in and I lost a paddle, but overall it was fun. It was so sad to see her go. I got so used of her being here.

Volleyball league is going well. We start playoffs next week so it should be interesting.

Last night as I was falling asleep the tornado sirens went off. I am just so grateful J was there. I believe I would have cried if I had to deal with that alone AGAIN! At least I was home in bed. But it’s still scary. We live on the top floor of our building downtown. There really isn’t a basement. Another reason I will be happy to get into our house. 2 tornados touched down last night, lots of property damage but it sounds like no one got hurt. I’ve lived in OKC and I’ve never seen anything like this!

I love this guy!

Even when he can't take a decent picture because I want him to.

This is me letting go of my anger for the moment.

So today is one of my vent days. I swear I’m not a bitter bitch but I’ve learned unless I vent it only gets worse and I don’t want to go back to that anger person I let go 2 months ago. So I will have my 5 minutes and be done with it. So if you don’t want to hear my bitch, skip the next part. (There was your disclaimer!)

I am so tired of getting others peoples pregnancies shoved in my face. Now I am not talking about the people I am truly happy for and really excited about. I am talking about the people who had an oops. A I am not married, it was an accident, I was looking for attention, one night stand, I don’t know what I want to do, I feel like my life is over people. May I just please say to you what I along with my husband think when you open your mouth and try to make us feel sorry for you think. Ready here it is so pay attention. SHUT THE FUCK UP! We are not going to have an ounce of sympathy for you. See this is what pisses me off I don’t expect everyone to censor themselves around us, we are adults. But at some point if you know what we have been through and I’m talking the miscarriage not the IF issues you have to say to yourself maybe the hour of conversation we are having about my unplanned oops needs to come to an end, this might be a little uncomfortable for them. The thing that gets to me is that we all have our limits. In J and I’s relationship one of us is always the stronger one when these conversations come up. 9 times out of 10 it’s always J. But lately you can tell it literally eats him alive to sit through these conversations.  And seeing that in his eyes, that hurt that he feels, that I can’t do anything about, EATS ME ALIVE. I’d rather deal with the pain completely and entirely on my own then have to watch him feel any amount of this pain.

 

**The bitching has stopped!

 

That’s where we are at in this. There are 5 stages of grief…….

·  Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

·  Anger (why is this happening to me?)

·  Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

·  Depression (I don't care anymore)

·  Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

We went through denial pretty quickly. I’d say I just got through Anger a few months ago, and I am pretty sure I’m in bargaining mode now. I find myself praying and “bargaining” with god at what most would call the oddest times. In bed in the morning when I am taking my temp, sitting on the toilet waiting for the OPK to come back positive, sitting at my desk at work when I feel a pain in my side hoping that that is ovulation, sitting on the bed waiting for the pregnancy test to finish its thing.

I never thought this would be so hard, or that I would care so much about this. I always thought I’d be of those girls that didn’t care either way. I find myself in an unusual place for myself. I’ve always had “the” plan. So far it has gone perfectly with a few minor bumps along the way. I kicked ass in school, graduated with honors, made lifelong friends, married a guy who is my best friend, found great jobs, made a name for myself in my industry, building my dream home, travel, and maybe have kids. The last one I never thought I’d be so passionate about, but now that has changed.

Anyway I’m good now. See I am learning to let it out and let it go. My husband tells me the road I was going down wasn’t a pretty one and that he’s been there a few years ago and he didn’t want me to have to travel that road. So I am taking his advice and following his suggestions and I do have to say I think its working. I am as angry as I was four months ago. Even though I still have some trying times coming ahead and I can see them I have to learn to deal and let it go so it won’t eat me alive.

 

On a lighter note, my Aunt is flying in tomorrow. I am so excited. It will be nice to have family around. I will make sure to take lots of pictures and post them.

 

House Note: We should have the permits by the end of this week and break ground next week! Yeah

Love and Marriage Interesting article

In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) – Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.

A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.

The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.

Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.

Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.

A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.

Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.

Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.

And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.

Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.

The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.

YEAH!/CRAP! It's that kind of day!

It’s a good news bad news day. Ready…..

Good News

We have a date to meet with the doctor! (Points to right) July 24^th at 10:30! Bring on the needles and ultrasounds, I am more than ready!

My Aunt is coming this week to stay for a few days! Very Excited!

We picked all the finishes for the house. It’s going to be fine!

We should break ground next week!

Bad News

My great grandfather passed away this morning. He will be greatly missed!

My TMJ is acting up and my face HURTS!

J is leaving today for a few days L

So as you can see it’s one of those days. I just downed 975mg of aspirin in the hopes of a little relief from this pain. It usually last 3-4 days then goes away. I am hoping to speed up the process.

We are getting a PLAN!

So after 3 FAILED cycles of Clomid, I called in and talked to the nurse to see what the next step are in this whole process. After over 2 years of trying I "officially" have fertility issues. That is a good and bad thing. You can obviously figure out the bad but now I feel like we can get somewhere. With the pregnancy/miscarriage timing it screwed everything up in the fact of the doctors wanting to try anything. So where as a normal couple would go in after 1 year, it has taken us 27 (yes I said 27) "tries" to get to this point that normally only takes 12. So now I wait to get in so, J the Dr and myself can make a "PLAN." I finally feel like maybe we might just get somewhere. I am happy about this but also a little sad. I never thought I'd be one of those girls who had such a hard time doing something my body was made for. I feel like I should have a huge FAIL stamp on my head. What I really feel bad for is my husband, he didn't sign up for all of this. In fact the other day he told me how much it hurts him to see all of our friends starting this chapter in their life and how we are stuck in this limbo spot. It just broke my heart that I can't do this one thing. The one thing I should have no problem doing. Anyway I started my period today so I am way to emotional for all this talk.

On to better news. We are going to the design center this afternoon to start working on the interior. I so badly want to get glass Mosaic tiles on my kitchen back splash. I think with today's developments I might just be able to cry my way into getting what I want. Don't judge, if you knew who I lived with you wouldn't question my tactics. However he knows when I'm doing it anyway. That's what makes it fun! I love him!

Mellow Yellow

From Domino November 08

So J and I have been discussing what color we are going to paint the extra bedrooms upstairs with the hope of one becoming a nursery very soon. We want to paint it a neutral color seeing that we won't have to paint it again when we do become pregnant. So there's the background story!

Last night I had a dream that J had decorated the new nursery with out me seeing it in our new house. I was 9 months pregnant and he wanted to surprise me. We had just moved in and painted everything and he had to leave town on business. So he had me go to lunch with my mother-in-law and then she and I went to my house so she could do the big unveiling for me since J wasn't able to. I remember the color yellow in my dream it was bright yellow with the sun making everything just glow. It was beautiful. Just as I am about to cry I go into labor. I know there is more that happens but I just can't remember it this morning. 

So just as soon as I wake up I pop out of bed and go straight to the computer and log into my favorite dream interpretation site, Dream Dictionary. Under labor it states the following,

Labor

To dream that you are laboring, suggests that you have goal that will take a lot of hard work to accomplish.

If you are a woman and dream that you are in labor, indicates your desire to be pregnant and to start a family.

All I can think is no shit. I could have told anyone that. So it was a little disappointing waking up and realizing it was all just a dream. I think it's just creul how our minds can play tricks on us. 

So sorry!

I know its been awhile! My bad. 

Highlights

Summer is in full swing. 

We won our first volleyball game this past week. So much fun!

Been outdoors a lot. To nice to stay in!

My husband took me on a picnic last night. Sweetness!

Now on to baby things.

Looks like I ovulated last Wednesday. I told my husband last night I will be at the doctor in a few weeks running more test because this month didn't take. He calls me negative, I call it realistic. I know how my body reacts to being pregnant and not being pregnant. This a week out is not pregnant. 

Although he did tell me the cutest thing last weekend. We are driving I don't remember where and he says, "I really think I got you this time. It's a feeling in the back of my head." I love when he tries to make me feel better. So now I am just waiting for Aunt Flo to show next week.