So today is one of my vent days. I swear I’m not a bitter bitch but I’ve learned unless I vent it only gets worse and I don’t want to go back to that anger person I let go 2 months ago. So I will have my 5 minutes and be done with it. So if you don’t want to hear my bitch, skip the next part. (There was your disclaimer!)
I am so tired of getting others peoples pregnancies shoved in my face. Now I am not talking about the people I am truly happy for and really excited about. I am talking about the people who had an oops. A I am not married, it was an accident, I was looking for attention, one night stand, I don’t know what I want to do, I feel like my life is over people. May I just please say to you what I along with my husband think when you open your mouth and try to make us feel sorry for you think. Ready here it is so pay attention. SHUT THE FUCK UP! We are not going to have an ounce of sympathy for you. See this is what pisses me off I don’t expect everyone to censor themselves around us, we are adults. But at some point if you know what we have been through and I’m talking the miscarriage not the IF issues you have to say to yourself maybe the hour of conversation we are having about my unplanned oops needs to come to an end, this might be a little uncomfortable for them. The thing that gets to me is that we all have our limits. In J and I’s relationship one of us is always the stronger one when these conversations come up. 9 times out of 10 it’s always J. But lately you can tell it literally eats him alive to sit through these conversations. And seeing that in his eyes, that hurt that he feels, that I can’t do anything about, EATS ME ALIVE. I’d rather deal with the pain completely and entirely on my own then have to watch him feel any amount of this pain.
**The bitching has stopped!
That’s where we are at in this. There are 5 stages of grief…….
· Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
· Anger (why is this happening to me?)
· Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
· Depression (I don't care anymore)
· Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
We went through denial pretty quickly. I’d say I just got through Anger a few months ago, and I am pretty sure I’m in bargaining mode now. I find myself praying and “bargaining” with god at what most would call the oddest times. In bed in the morning when I am taking my temp, sitting on the toilet waiting for the OPK to come back positive, sitting at my desk at work when I feel a pain in my side hoping that that is ovulation, sitting on the bed waiting for the pregnancy test to finish its thing.
I never thought this would be so hard, or that I would care so much about this. I always thought I’d be of those girls that didn’t care either way. I find myself in an unusual place for myself. I’ve always had “the” plan. So far it has gone perfectly with a few minor bumps along the way. I kicked ass in school, graduated with honors, made lifelong friends, married a guy who is my best friend, found great jobs, made a name for myself in my industry, building my dream home, travel, and maybe have kids. The last one I never thought I’d be so passionate about, but now that has changed.
Anyway I’m good now. See I am learning to let it out and let it go. My husband tells me the road I was going down wasn’t a pretty one and that he’s been there a few years ago and he didn’t want me to have to travel that road. So I am taking his advice and following his suggestions and I do have to say I think its working. I am as angry as I was four months ago. Even though I still have some trying times coming ahead and I can see them I have to learn to deal and let it go so it won’t eat me alive.
On a lighter note, my Aunt is flying in tomorrow. I am so excited. It will be nice to have family around. I will make sure to take lots of pictures and post them.
House Note: We should have the permits by the end of this week and break ground next week! Yeah
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